Heads I win tales you lose

I finished work today at 2:30pm so that I wouldn't go over my quota of 20 hours per week. As I got in the car I started to think about where I could go for the next couple of hours to do things I wanted to do like work on design or learn a new content management system, or just catch up on my favorite RSS feeds, to see what's happening over at the the textpattern forums or what my favorite designer is writing about or laying out. Hmm. Where to go? Oh wait, Amy is home with Brighton, she didn't sleep well, and we all know Brighton is a handfull. Hmm. Should I rethink this? I think I'll stop by the coffee shop, just for a bit. So to make a long story short, I meant to go to the coffee shop, but I took a wrong turn and "couldn't be bothered" to go the long way around, and suddenly I was at home. Thank you Jesus. Amy ended not needing tons of help as Brighton was asleep when I got home, but its one more way I am continuing to see how self driven I am. A daily fear is that I will run out of time to do things I want to do. That somehow I will get gypped out of something that should be mine! Dangit! Man, Christ tells me again and again. Its not yours. You've never had anything but me to keep. I found this pie chart, that I think pretty much illustrates how I think about myself. Guess which slice is "MY TIME!"

Thinking Ahead

Last night Amy and I decided she should be able go the gym again a few times a week or more. This sounds like no big deal, but I get really scared that suddenly I am going to have Brighton in my arms and work full time, and raise support, and go to church, and breathe, and eat... you can see where this is going. I'm just a chicken. I am going to eat chicken, I am not going to be one. Hon, have fun at the gym. Just pray for my puny chicken heart. ps. I AM looking forward to the day when Brighton will participate in the family workload. It's only a few years away.


Jesus shows up

In front of me is a small light. I can see him. His light is weak. I can only see halfway toward my next step. The place where my foot will fall is dark, until it lands, and then he is there, lighting it. This is all he promises. Only this much light. For now. He is good, so I believe him. But he's mostly quiet. More like an ear than a mouth, and since he's a lamp, its hard to believe a lamp can hear at all, but he's good so I believe him. I forget. I forget that he is only lit this way because he knows how much light to give me, and not because he lacks the energy to light everything. Everything. I forget, and he reminds me. Its a flash and heat and it scares me and it feels like I am in love. I can see Everything. Then its dark again. Except for this little lamp. This good little lamp.


Who is Jesus

  • Your wife left the room to help the baby and your night's plans look like poo poo.
  • You're not wondering which bible verse to read, but what to impliment at your website, and how to become as geekified as one can in the shortest time possible.
  • Life seems like its taking a turn for a slightly easier season at 3pm, but by 8pm your pretty sure you were halucinating at 3pm.
  • You want to help your church do more, but your family needs you to be their backup, and you would rather the back patting, handshakes, and nodding heads of a church and their staff that can't believe how helpful you are.
  • The word "Savior" becomes too "christian", and you know you've been saved, but you can't remember why you once felt so emotional about it.
  • and so on...
  • ...and so forth.
He is...
  • ...born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive the full rights of sons.
  • ...the guy who held my hand in a dream once, walked with me down a dirty road, and kept me near him, like he wanted to get closer to me, the way I feel, when I want to chew on Brighton, I want to love him so much I could ingest him.
  • ...this one: And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, Dan. 10.6 and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean. And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations; and he shall rule them with a rod of iron and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.
  • ...the friend we asked to give us help as Amy gave birth, and who remained invisible during the entirety of the event, so that when it was finished and we had our son, we wondered where he had been, and why he had not come?
  • ...the King we are learning to submit to, who uses births and daily deaths to wake us to his love - his severe Mercy.
  • ...the God who offers me grace to remember the gospel, and hope for what is not seen, a life without tears, where death is gone and rivers of love roll for those who were weak, who were poor, who loved justice, who needed their Jesus more than life.


I'm proud of my boy

And he hasn't done a thing... Over at minismith, my Amy said, "I am as helpless as Brighton to cry out to Christ". What does that mean? Surely, Amy and Matthew, who claim to know and love Jesus are capable of running to and from Christ as an act of free will? Yep! I run to him and from him all the time. So what the heck is Amy talking about? How can I be a Christian and believe that? Here's the question? Is original sin true? Or put this way: Are we sinners because we sin, or do we sin because we're sinners? Catch the difference? The former implies that we are messed up because of the choices we make, while the latter implies that our choices are messed up because WE ARE MESSED UP! Romans Chapter 7:15-19
I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things. I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway.
How then do we live? By weakness friends. Don't be confident in YOU Matthew, be confident in your Big Brother Jesus. Don't try harder Matthew! Repent, and believe that your attempts at trying are like one footstep at a time walking right by the cross, pretending you don't see Jesus up there hanging for you. See what His love will do, to change your core! So that you will be different! Not because you are sinless, but because you are LOVING! If you are forgiven much you will love much (Luke 7). You can't be forgiven much if you think you're pretty good in general Matthew. So, then I am like Brighton too. I am more Matthew when I am like a child.


The New & Improved Minismith

Happy Anniversary to me (me, as in Amy). One of Matthew's thoughtful presents this year was to purchase MiniSmith.com for me and redesign the whole website. It's beautiful. Take a look for yourself. Hopefully it'll make reading about our nutty life a little more enjoyable :)



I've found something! Okay, I stumbled across, okay, okay - I'll tell you the truth: It utterly stands in my way, and I can't get around it without your prayers and the saving help of my man Jesus. It is this: I have equated alleviation of suffering with intimacy with God, or in more detail, I knew that suffering would never end, but hoped that if I were to get close enough to God I would somehow not feel it or not care, or be somehow inpenetrable, bulletproof, and invisible to SUFFERING! Lies, Lies, ALL LIES. Here comes the praise. God is teaching me that intimacy with Him is


Pure and simple. And its the best thing there is. No seriously. Tonight Brighton screamed. Brighton has been screaming. He sounds like he is having his fingers broken one by one. So I walked through the dark hallway with him in tow, and shushed him and bounced him while I prayed. I prayed that God would alleviate Brighton's suffering and ours because he tells us to ask - the blind man would not have seen unless he had asked - and yet I saw in my heart a new thing, a new creation. I saw the hope that perhaps Jesus would be really close with me as I walked. Perhaps it is wrong or faithless, but I had no hope that Jesus was about to suddenly make Brighton a great sleeper and give Amy and I untold riches of rest. Instead I just wanted to be really close with God. So the good news is that Jesus is making a bride out of this SLUT of a man! Praise him. Merry Christmas all. Oh yeah, what's the picture all about? Well, I think I know now why Lions eat their young. :) Matthew